LAURA'S ART & OTHER MISADVENTURES: HHHHAAAA OOOOHHHAAHAHAOOOOOHEEEE

Sunday, December 2, 2007

HHHHAAAA OOOOHHHAAHAHAOOOOOHEEEE

AS YOU CAN TELL ---I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO THE VIDEO YOUTUBE THING AND I AM JUST A LITTLE OBSESSED WITH IT. LOL
THIS IS FUN !!!!
DOESNT TAKE MUCH

DONT NEED NO MAN

THIS IS A WRITTEN ON THE OCCASION OF MY FRIEND BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND FOR --OH ABOUT THE 10TH TIME --LOL

THIS TIME HER BELOVED DOG HAD DIED THE SAME DAY - SO I TOOK HER OUT TO DROWN SORROWS- AFTER THE INITIAL - WINE DRINKING , THE CRYING , AND ANGRY COMMENTARY- WE GOT HYSTERICAL ABOUT THE WHOLE SAD SITUATION AND STARTED LAUGHING AND MADE UP THIS SONG-
NOW WE FEEL BETTER - I THINK
AT LEAST FOR NOW .

YOU CANT READ THIS AND KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE.

DONT NEED NO MAN

THE GROUND WAS HARD
THE SUN WAS HOT
THERE WAS NO SHADE
I BROKE UP WITH MY LOVER --
JUST WANTED TO GET FRIED
GOT HOME AND MY DOG HAD DIED

MY MAKE UP RAN
WRINKLED AS I TANNED
EYES FILLED WITH TEARS
WAISTED- TOO MANY YEARS
BUT I DONT NEED NO -------- MAN TO BURY MY DOG

SWEAT DOWN MY SHIRT
DIGGIN UP THE DIRT
THIS REALLY HURT
HE WAS OUT CHASING A SKIRT
SO- I DONT NEED NO ---------MAN TO BURY MY DOG

PUT MY PUPPY IN THE GROUND
PACKED DIRT ALL AROUND
GRASS STAINS ON MY KNEES
DONT HELP ME
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
CAUSE--- I DONT NEED NO --------MAN TO BURY MY DOG

OH MY HAIR WAS A MESS
AND I HAD TO CONFESS
YOU KNOW MY LOVER
HE WAS LIKE NO OTHER
TOO MUCH STRESS
BUT YOU KNOW ,^^ I DIDN’T NEED NO --------MAN TO HELP ME BURY MY DOG

BROKE HEART OOOOOHHH
AND BROKE NAILS
HEART ACHE --IT NEVER FAILS
WELL HE CAN JUST GO TO-------- h@##
I DONT NEED NO ---------MAN TO BURY MY DOG

THE GROUND WAS HARD
THE SUN WAS HOT
THERE WAS NO SHADE

THE GROUND WAS HARD
THE SUN WAS HOT
THERE WAS NOT SHADE

I BROKE UP WITH HIM
NOW HE IS GONE ^^^^^AND IM NOT WORRIED
CAUSE I DONT NEED NO --------- MAN
TO BURY MY DOG

NOOOOOOOOOOO
I DONT NEED NO ----------MAN ^^^^^
DON’T NEED NO –MAN
DON’T NEED NO MAN
TO HELP ME BURY MY DOG

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MEMAW AND THE MALE ENHANCEMENT HORMONES

< MOTHER IS A VERY PROPER SOUTHERN LADY - EVERYONE LOVES MEMAW - SHE IS ALWAYS CALLED UPON TO SAY THE PRAYER DURING HOLIDAYS , IS GIVES OF HER MONEY AND ADVICE AT EVERY OPPERTUNITY - MOST OF THE TIME.
SHE IS HOWEVER, SCHIZOPHRENIC AND ONE NEVER KNOWS WHO MIGHT SHOW UP FOR DINNER. SHE LIVES WITH MY FAMILY, NEVER A DULL MOMENT.
THE OTHER DAY SHE CAME AND SAT DOWN BY ME AND THOUGHTFULLY SAID -- LAURA -I THINK WE SHOULD BUY THE BOYS ( MY SONS ) SOME OF THAT MALE ENHANCEMENT STUFF I HAVE SEEN ON TV.
WELL, I JUST ABOUT FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR.
I LOOKED AT HER THERE WAS NO HINT OF UNCERTIANTY IN HER EXPRESSION.

WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE,
I ASKED HER WHAT HER REASON WAS FOR THIS.

SHE SAID VERY SERIOUSLY - I JUST KNOW IT WOULD HELP THEM HAVE MORE FRIENDS.

AT THAT POINT I COULD NO LONGER HOLD MY HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER - AND LEFT THE ROOM WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING.
FINIALLY AFTER I REGAINED MY COMPOSURE -

I WENT BACK TO TALK TO HER ONLY TO FIND MY YOUNGEST SON SITTING DOWN NEXT TO HER - SMILING FORM EAR TO EAR TELLING HER - OH SURE MEMAW ILL TRY IT - WHY NOT ??????

OMG - TRYING TO REGAIN SOME PARENTAL FACE I - STARTED TO REVIEW WITH MY MOM , WHO BY THE WAY MADE ME COME HOME FROM DATES BY 1100 UNTIL I WAS 20 YRS OLD ,WHY THIS MAY NOT BE SUCH A GOOD IDEA. MY MOM KEEPING HER RESOLVE ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION.

ENTER MY OLDER SON - THE VOICE OF REASON - TO WHOM MY MOM USUALLY LISTENS TO.
HE IS 22 AND USUALLY HELPS ME TO MODERATE WITH ANY UNUSUAL SITUATIONS - NOT THIS TIME HE JUST SAT THRE LOOKING AT ME AND SMILING.
HE SAID THE SAME THING THAT MY 16 YR OLD SAID
HEY SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO ME !!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST LEFT THE ROOM - ONE HAS TO KNOW WHEN TO JUST LEAVE THE ROOM.
AT THIS POINT I DONT KNOW IF SHE HAS FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT IT OR THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL FOR A DOUBLE ORDER OF THIS STUFF.
SHE SAID ( BOB) ON THE ADD JUST LOOKED SO HAPPY.
SO I AM KEEPING AN EYE ON THE MAIL BOX AND HAVE CONFASCATED MEMAWS CHECK BOOK FOR THE TIME.

A FEW DAYS LATER I THOUGHT THAT MEMAW MUST NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT ENHANCEMENT WOULD BE INHANCED BY THIS HORMONE--SO I ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THIS DRUG.
SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS NOT REALLY SURE BUT --
BOB ON TV DID LOOK SO HAPPY . THAT IT MUST BE A GOOD THING.
I THEN EXPLAINED WHAT EXACTLY WAS ENHANCED
SHE TURNED RED AND SQUEELED -- OH NO I HAD NO IDEA-- LAURA THEY WOULD NOT ADVERTISE SUCH A THING ON TV. I ASSURED HER THAT THEY WOULD - SHE IS NOW BEING VERY QUIET ABOUT THE SUBJECT - AND HAS CANCELED HER ORDER FOR SAID STUFF--OMG

THE BRIDGE IS OUT

YOU KNOW HOW I TRY TO BLEND IN AT CHURCHJUST TO KEEP DOWN THE SPECULATION __lol WELL IT IS A HOPELESS SITUATION.YESTURDAY I TOOK MEMAW TO CHURCH.AS WE WERE SHAKING HANDS AND ECT , YOU KNOW HOW THEY DO BEFORE SERVICE WHEN, MEMAWS FRONT BRIDGE FELL OUT OF HER MOUTH.LOL YOU KNOW HOW VIEN SHE IS , SHE WENT BONKERS, I GRABBED FOR THEM BUT THEY JUST HIT MY HAND AND FLEW OVER A FEW PEWS AND HIT THE FLOOR.I TRIED TO EXIT THE PEW AND EASE DOWN TO THE ISLE AND SCOOP THEM UP. JUST AS I LEANED OVER TO PICK THEM UP , SOME ONE BUMPED INTO ME AND I FELL FACE FIRST ONTO THE FLOOR UNDER THE PEW. BY THAT TIME I HAD ATTRACTED A CROWD -- AND SOMEONE ASKED DID I NEED THEM TO CALL 9FREAKIN 11
..HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I KNOW I NEED TO BE FACE FIRST BEFORE THE LORD BUT THIS WAS JUST NOT THE RIGHT TIME FOR IT.OH WELL I DIDNT BREAK ANYTHING- THE BRIDGE WAS INTACT,I MANAGED TO TALK THEM OUT OF CALLIN FOR EMERGENCY SERVICE , TO PICK UP THE INSANE LADY, ON THE FLOOR UNDER THE PEW, WITH A DEATH GRIP ON A DENTURE.THEY BACKED UP AND A FRIEND PULLED ME UP, STILLIN A DAZED STATE. MEMAW WILL NEVER GO TO CHURCH AGAIN . BUT ME ILL GO BACK JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT,DONT YA KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL ----GOD GAVE ME A GOOD SENCE OF HUMOR - HE KNEW I WOULD NEED ONE: )

BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

MONDAY MORNING

GETTIN READY FOR WORK

I'M RUNNING LATE

MY BOSS IS A JERKL

OOKED IN THE MIRROR

WHAT DID I SEE

BLACK ROOTS STARIN BACK AT ME.

IVE GOT THE BLEACH BOTTLEBLOND BLUES

THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

OH YES IVE GOTEM

THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

KNEW I HAD TO MAKE IT

TO WORK BY EIGHT

IF I DIDN'T GET THERE

I WOULD SEAL MY FATE.

NO LONGER WORKINFOR THE STATE.

BUT THE BLACK ROOTS

WERE MUCH BIGGER THAN ME
SO GAVE IN ----TO VANITY

IVE GOT THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

OOOOOOOOH
YES I HAVE GOTEMYOU KNOW

THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

SPEEDIN DOWN THE INTERSTATE

COULD NOT BE LATECOP PULLED ME OVER

THEN ASKED FOR A DATE

AND I WENT OUT WITH HIM

FOR GOODNESS SAKEWHAT A MISTAKE

IT WAS HARD TO STAY AWAKE.

I'M THE DUMBEST BLEACHED BLONDTHAT YOU EVER

HAVE SEEN .

ALL THAT BLEACH HAS WRECKED MYSELF ESTEEM

IVE GOT THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

OH YES YES I HAVE GOTEM

THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES.

GONA TRY BEIN A REDHEAD

MEN WANT TO TAKE THEM TO BED.AT LEAST----

THAT'S WHAT ALL MY BOYFRIENDS HAVE SAID.

ALWAYS THOUGHT I COULD HAVE BEENA FANTASTIC

SWEET POTATO QUEEN

THINK ILL CALL JILL CONNERAND PLEAD MY CASE

THERE HAS TO BE SOME SAVING GRACE

FOR THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

OH THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND BLUES

YES LORD IVE GOTEM THE BLEACH BOTTLE BLOND

BLUES.I HONOR OF ALL MY BLEACHED BLOND FRIENDS
AND FAMILY .LAURA WILBORN

CHRISTMAS COOKIE SWAP

RUM BALLS
SURE TO PUT A LITTLE SNAP INTO YOUR NEXT CHRISTMAS COOKIE SWAP THEY ARE EASY TOO.

1 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar 2 tablespoons cocoa powder 1/2 teaspoon ground allspice 1/2 cup dark rum 2 tablespoons light corn syrup 2 1/2 cups finely crushed vanilla wafers 1 cup finely chopped, toasted walnuts
Into a large bowl, sift together 1 cup of the confectioners' sugar, the cocoa powder and allspice. Stir in the rum and corn syrup. Stir in the vanilla wafers and walnuts, and mix well. Place in the refrigerator to firm up slightly, about 30 minutes. (The mixture may appear crumbly and dry; this is O.K.) Place the remaining 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar in a shallow bowl or dish.
Using a tablespoon, scoop out portions of the chocolate mixture and press into 1-inch balls. Using your hands, roll the balls in the confectioners' sugar, coating evenly.
Place on a baking sheet, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 2 weeks, placing waxed paper between the layers to prevent sticking.

CANT STOP EATING THESE THEY MELT IN YOUR MOUTH.ALSO EASY BUT MMMMMMMM GOOD

CHRISTMAS COOKIES

1 pound soft unsalted butter 1 cup powdered sugar 2 tablespoons vanilla 1 teaspoon salt 2 cups finely chopped pecans 5 cups sifted pastry flour Powdered sugar for dusting
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat butter and powdered sugar in mixer until light and fluffy, about 10-15 minutes. Add vanilla, salt and pecans. Remove from mixer and stir in pastry flour by hand being careful not to overmix. Form into football shapes about the size of small walnuts and place on a buttered cookie sheet. Bake 10=12 minutes or until just beginning to get the slightest bit colored on the bottom. Remove upon the first sign of color and set on a rack to cool. When cool enough to touch place in a bowl with powdered sugar on top and bottom and toss gently. Occasionally toss with sugar while cooling, trying to get as much sugar as possible to stick. When cold, place cookies in airtight container and cover until ready to serve.

HE IS STRONG ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN. I AM JUST A LITTLE DIFFICULT !

Strong Enough

God, I feel like hell tonight

Tears of rage I cannot fight

I’d be the last to help you understand

Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right

So let me be alone tonight

Cause you can’t change the way I am

Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me

I promise I’ll believe

Lie to me

But please don’t leave

I have a face

I cannot show

I make the rules up as I go

It’s try and love me if you can

Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care

When I’m throwing punches in the air

When I’m broken down and I can’t stand

Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me

I promise I’ll believe

Lie to me

But please don’t leave

SHERYL CROW